How the diagnosis of an autoimmune immune deficiency disease filled me with more Grace
than I ever imagined and how I am now living in that Grace each day.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Falling Apart

This morning I was in a DEAD sleep when a not so little boy came bouncing on my bed saying, "Mama, it's PI day!!" Why do they think that I want to be awakened to the shock of yelling, or jumping, or fighting every morning? It's not that I wasn't a little excited myself for Pi day...I had plans to surprise the family with sausage, potato and corn pie for dinner. That's what happened this morning. 

Right now I am dealing with severe pain in my feet and ankles, and pain and some swelling in my hands. We found a medication that alleviates some of the pain, but by morning it has always worn off and I just hurt. I need to wake slowly, stretch slowly, and take inventory of how I am feeling before I try to move in the morning. I get morning stiffness and if I do it wrong, I get pain that lasts all day.

So today was a rough day. But I dropped the dogs off at the groomer and made it through Trader Joe's before coming home to put my feet up until the kids got home. Then we picked the dogs up and came home so I could start dinner. 

On my way home from grocery shopping, I was praying and listening to the radio. Josh Wilson's song Fall Apart came on, and I started singing along. Then the words hit me, and I ugly cried for the next 5 miles until I got home. Which wasn't so easy since not only was I crying, but it's allergy season and I HAD NO TISSUES IN THE CAR!! And I think I scared the guy in the dump truck who was beside me at the light, but I really don't care, because I needed to hear these words: 

Why in the world did I think I could 
Only get to know You when my life was good
When everything just falls in place 
The easiest thing is to give You praise 

Now it all seems upside down 

'Cause my whole world is caving in 
But I feel You now more than I did then 
How can I come to the end of me 
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to now You more 
Maybe this is how it starts 
I find You when I fall apart 

Blessed are the ones who understand 
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You 

And it all seems upside down 


I don't know how long this will last 
I'm praying for the pain to pass 
But maybe this is the best thing 
That has ever happened to me 


1 comment:

  1. I feel that. I'll be riding along in the car, dealing with my life, okay with feeling sick every day and then suddenly..I'm not. For me, the verse in Romans 8 :26 comforts me at that time. Because even when I can't put two words together and all I can do is cry, He can translate my needs to the Lord. And He is good and just to comfort in those times.